This one is much more, uhh, justified. I cant write this anywhere else, because my sister is apart of the same social networks as me, aside from DA, and I dont want her to read this.
Yeah, I f**king hate living here.
I'm working a part time job I'm already tired of to try and pay rent that is too high for such a teeny tiny room (charming, yes, but still small).
My hours just got lessened on my part time job, so now I dont have enough money to buy food or pay all of my bills, which only demotivates me from working even more. And I hate doing a bad job, but sometimes it happens, esp when I'm worrying about money, and it frustrates me that I cant always do my best even at my part time job.
I don't like living in a city, I just dont. It is exciting and fun and full of art, BUT I'm a very quiet person really. I only like going out, being loud and sociable and doing these exciting things once or twice a month. The rest of the month, I come back to a house in the middle of a city and wonder why there are no nice quiet parks or countryside near by for me to walk in.
Every sunny day we have, I only enjoy it a little bit, because my heart aches that I cant go and enjoy it in my most favorite way that I used to before I moved here. I miss listening to birds and going on quiet walks, and exploring. Cities are very noisy and full of people, and I'm just not a people person, I find it exhausting
Plus pretty much all entertainment here requires money, and I have none. It wouldnt matter if I did, I still prefer reading in grass against a tree to reading in a cafe.
And the fact is, I only moved here because of the stupid emotional problems of other people. The stubbornness of my sisters boyfriend, and the fact that my sister is very good at throwing tantrums is the reason I moved here. He had to be really OTT, and refuse to live under the same roof as one other housemate, even though they barely spoke when living together. He either HAD to move to Bristol, or move back to his parents and abandon my sister. My sister consequently, insisted that I move to Bristol with them, so that rent would be cheaper (cheaper for them of course, they both get more money then I do). I'm just the third wheel who makes rent cheaper, you see. Or thats how I feel. Because when I said I didnt have enough money to move, she got so upset I felt like I couldnt say no. Its my fault too, for not being able to say no when I REALLY should've just said no.
So now I'm stuck in this house thats too much rent for me to pay, which is making me worry constantly and work very hard for nothing, with very little to make me happy as I'm far away from the one thing that instantly calms me down when I'm unhappy.
The worst thing about this whole situation, is that my housemates dont feel this way at all. They're over the moon to be here, they're living their dream, and I'm wedged in there to make their dream more affordable. The problem is, when I try to give my thoughts on it, things get downplayed, because I just dont think my sister and BF understand how i feel (I'm sure you all know the feeling of people telling you that what you're thinking is wrong, right?) Its always 'Oh, you'll get used to it' 'You just feel homesick' 'But there's so much to do here.' 'You need to make more friends.' This is very confusing to me too. It makes me wonder if I'm just being boring, or scared, or stubborn. Maybe I should lead a more exciting life, perhaps I should try and be more interested in other people, or accept change more easily?
But you know what, it always boils down to the same thing. When bad stuff happens, I get so much more upset then I used to, and I always wish I could go back 'home' to somewhere familiar instead of this strange place I feel I live in now. Perhaps I am a boring person who doesnt like change, but I guess at least I'm not particularly unhappy about it.
And it tears me apart, because there are many people and things I love here, and I dont want to offend them by saying 'I dont like living here'.
I also really enjoy being closer and seeing more often some friends who I never saw much before, and my older sister, and I know some more of my friends will be moving here soon. Do you move away but give up that? I dont know